“When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. Believe me, it has nothing new to say.”
This has been resonating inside me since yesterday. Feeling so much Joy in the Present and Being present that my heart is light-filled. Something has shifted inside of me.
I’ve been processing a lot lately, emotions rooted in unmet needs, disappointed expectations, frustrated desires. These feelings of not knowing how or where to find what I seek. These lifelong patterns of connecting with people, shocking them with my energies, and being only a catalyst in their journey that brings them healing, sets them on their path-calling, cracks their hearts open… And then they leave. Taking their newly healing and opening hearts with them to go find someone else to love.
I couldn’t count the numbers of people I have loved, and healed, and taught, and Kundalini-shocked like a spiritual defibrillator that revives Souls. So many hearts, souls, minds and bodies I have touched with unconditional love and healing grace.
And then they leave, sometimes without even saying goodbye. And they rarely realize or understand who and what I am. How rare it must be for ex’s to call me “a goddess” “pure magick” and “the best thing that ever happened to them”… Even as they walk away. The story of my life is a long series of Goodbyes, of people walking into my world broken and suffering, and then walking out of it better for having known me. But still walking out.
I must have made some plan, had some agreement or intentions to focus my life on practicing unconditional love without attachments.
And yet, the longing with in my heart and soul for a companion, a true lifemate and lover, one person who once healed by my touch chooses to stay and love me back… I don’t know how to turn that longing off.
It is my deepest greatest desire. And the one hope I hold onto most tenderly, though some voice inside me gently reminds me… Let It Go, this dream is not for you child. You are here to Serve and Give. Let Go of your heart’s aching desire for a love that stays… Choose to find happiness alone and in the healing you bring to others.
I want to be brave enough to accept that. But the ache… It remains.