Darkness & Longings

“I just want to be happy,” she said

her voice echoing

in the empty room

or maybe just in her head

“I just want to feel loved,” she cried

her tears salt warm

in the coldness of her bed

her aching heart sighed

“I just want to be held,” she pleaded

with an unhearing universe

wondering if she is cursed

her pleading goes unheeded

“I just want to be touched,” she moaned

her fingers tracing the lines

of her touch-starved skin

as she lay there alone

“I just want intimacy,” she prayed

asking the Gods for mercy

for strength to endure

another night until the day

“I just want connection,” she whispers,

“to feel the touch

of another soul

brushing against my own.”

~ aurora winddancer

Bows to Fear

“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear.”

Excerpt from “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advise for Difficult Times” by Pema Chödrön

Luscious

She held the ripe sun-warmed fruit in both hands, smiling in anticipation of the reward for all her hard work and patience. It was too large for one hand to hold it, and looking at it’s thickness and luscious color, her mouth watered with craving. As she wrapped her lips around the skin, the fruit burst into her mouth, gushing it’s sweet juices across her cheeks and into her hands. She relished every drop as she sucked greedily, taking it all in, pure rapture on her face, Knowing when she was all done she would lick her palms and fingers clean…

~ ode to the first homegrown tomato of summer ~ aurora winddancer

Warmth

Sweet gentle softness of desire

A warm Winter’s fire

Glows lightly in my heart

Though Summer’s heat has yet to fade

Basking in a comforting light

That fills my being with peace

Could it be this simple, this easy

To let love grow within me

From bright spark

To warm flame

To shared hearth

Do I dare feed desire

And trust I won’t get burned

Lost

“She had waited for a rescue for so many years. So many. But now that she was an adult? She knew that there was no castle waiting for her on top of a mountain. No “real” parents still searching for her. No one that truly cared, one way or the other, about her future.

Which was why she had to be the hero of her own life.”

~ JR Ward

Deeply Single

Sometimes I hate being single

Even more so now

In this time of Pandemic

The loneliness is deeper

When alone in isolation

Intensity of anxiety

Mixed with longing for intimacy

Acute awareness of the empty

Spaces in your bed, in your home

In your heart, in your life

Dancing with mortality

To a symphony of solitude

Is not the partnership

I’d dreamed of in my innocence

Aching for physical touch

Crying to sleep at night

Would give almost anything

For a hug, a kiss, to be held

While you sleep

Couples take these things for granted

I miss being in love

Feeling love

Feeling loved

I miss mattering to someone

I miss waking up

In a lover’s arms

Making love in the morning

Before the alarm

Now I wonder if I’ll survive

This fucking virus

To even have a chance

Of finding love again

Thirst for Bland Sips

Don’t hit me up
only when you’re thirsty
When you need validation
or attention
I’m not here
to be your validation dispenser
I’m not here
to feed you attention coins
If you’re not interested in me
as a whole person
I’m not interested
in being your distraction
Or the 2-dimensional fantasy
for your orgasms
I’m a Goddess
who deserves sonnets and poetry
Wyd?… Does not inspire me
If your investments are going to be low
So will your rewards
Lose my number
Cause I’ve probably already
blocked yours.

aurora winddancer
April 8, 2020

Unraveling

The human world is unraveling
Splitting at the seams
An ill-fitted garment
Made of low-quality materials
A shoddy construction
Of questionable design
Stitched in sweatshops
To avoid regulations
For profits by exploitation
Threadbare and worn through
Patches over patches
As the designers scream
That there is no other way
To weave our reality
Pull a stitch here
Snag a hem there
As the human world unravels
We will all be laid bare
Truth will be naked
With no cheap clothes to wear
The Emperors exposed
For the whole world to see
While their Empires crumble
In the Great Unraveling.

Covid

I can’t remember the last time I felt so alone, with just a voice in my head whispering repeatedly, “I’m not okay I’m not okay I’m not okay I’m not okay.” Then tears that flow down my cheeks and I don’t know how to make them stop. I want to believe that this will end, I want to be optimistic and hold onto hope. Everyday I spend alone in my room it’s harder. Before Covid I was afraid that I would live my life alone, now it’s Covid that has made me understand that alone is relative and there are always deeper levels in the hell of aloneness.

I don’t know when this suffering will end for Humanity. And I don’t know when this will end for me. I don’t know when I will be freed from my bedroom. I feel like a princess locked in her Tower, the dragon’s name is Covid and the princes have all disappeared.

Despair

I’m just sad

And I can’t escape this sadness

This sadness that feels

Like the beginnings

Of madness

This despair that flows

Through my veins seeping poison

Into my cells

Drops of pain, heavy lead

Seep from my brain

My heart slows

Stutters

A smile on my face

Fades

Eyes once light filled

Dim into dull greys

Despair is a creature

That lives in my mind

Feeding on hope

One bite at a time

But faster than my soul

Can regrow