Poet, Priestess, Songwriter, Singer, Mother, Mystic, Magician, Music Maker, Tantric, Teacher, Student, Aspiring Author, Playwright-In-The-Making, Ritualist, Thespian, and writer of esoteric musings about Life, Love, The Universe, and why people do the strange things we do.
Choosing not to settle for what you know isn’t right for you and won’t bring you happiness or health can be so hard when you Really want to believe that it might “someday”. That “one day” wager is so tempting and seductive, a false hope that a connection, person, relationship, job, situation that is Not good for you Now, will “someday” miraculously be better, be good for you, meet your needs later, if you’re patient, if you invest, if you give enough, if you wait long enough, if you are “good enough” – but “Someday” never comes. And sacrificing our happiness and health now, sacrificing our needs and dreams and well-being now so we can gaslight ourselves into believing in a fantasy “someday” only makes us miserable Now AND in the future when our hopes and fantasies about “someday” don’t manifest.
If what is in front of you Right Now isn’t Right For You Right Now… It won’t be better later. Don’t settle, let go of what isn’t right for you. Or you risk Missing out on something that would be right for you when it appears because you’re busy, distracted by and wrapped up in pouring yourself into a “someday” fantasy with something that isn’t even meeting your needs or adding to your happiness now.
When great trees fall rocks on distant hills shudder lions hunker down in tall grasses and even elephants lumber after safety
When great trees fall in forests small things recoil into silence their senses eroded beyond fear
When great souls die the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile We breathe, briefly Our eyes, briefly see with a hurtful clarity Our memory, suddenly sharpened examines gnaws on kind words unsaid promised walks never taken
Great souls die and our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us Our souls dependent upon their nurture now shrink, wizened Our minds, formed and informed by their radiance, fall away We are not so much maddened as reduced to the unutterable ignorance of dark, cold caves
And when great souls die after a period peace blooms slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us They existed. They existed We can be. Be and be better. For they existed
“When a significant relationship ends, when an important person leaves, when a deep love runs dry leaving you wondering where it was leaking from all that time… There are unusual things you give up that you don’t realize you subsciously blocked from your reality until the moment they appear again and you can choose to re-add them to your life.
It took me almost five years to be able to eat mizithra cheese again. There are thousands of small insignificant things we just can’t do anymore because it was associated with the one you lost. But each one you take back, gives you back another piece of yourself, and another measure of peace for yourself.”
Originally written one year ago, so much has happened in the year since I wrote this that I feel almost like a different being. There’s so much more I’ve reclaimed in my life since. So much more I’ve learned, so much more I want and am choosing to manifest. My heart’s journey of healing has been long and arduous, but I feel it beating stronger now. The cracks where it broke, became the spaces where the light came in, and it grew.
Sept 4th 2020, reflecting back on Sept 4th 2019, reflecting back on four years of struggle, healing, grief and growth.