Queer and Questioning

Queer and Questioning

I never expected to be
So close to fifty
And once again questioning
How to define my identity.
What does it even mean
To be pansexual
On a long-term vow of celibacy?
I know I’m not asexual
I love sex, I miss sex.
I’m just not willing to sacrifice
My peace or my mental
physical and emotional health
For orgasms I can give myself.
What does that make me now?
Demisexual? Demiromantic?
I would be probably Demi
If I was even willing to consider
Being open to romance again.
But I don’t think I am.
At least most of the time I don’t think I am.
Just every once in awhile
When I’m in bed alone
And I wonder if I’m really content
With the last time I had sex being it.
The last time.
When I realize I’m starving for touch
And physical affection
But I don’t know if I’ll ever be capable of trust
On that level again.
I have been destroyed too many times
In the pursuit of relationship happiness
When each time that happiness
Was a temporary illusion
Unmasked into trauma, loss and pain.
I feel too young to be choosing
To never experience the pleasure
Of romantic love or romantic sex
And too damn old
To ever choose to put my heart
on the line again.
What letter does that make me now?
I suppose I just embrace the Q
Of being queer and questioning
Whether I will ever let anyone
Touch my body or my heart again.

~ aurora winddancer
May 28, 2024