Accepting my face

I’ve spent so much of my life wanting to be attractive. Trying to find love and relationship, seeking connection and companionship, chasing oxytocin and orgasms. Giving up on that completely has been equal parts grief and relief. No longer being concerned about the male gaze has been freeing. It’s amazing how much time, energy and effort we spend trying to be attractive, trying to find a mate. How much of our time and energy we get back as freedom when we are no longer trying. When we no longer care. This has been a blessing with the timing of the paralysis of my face.

When it first happened I was mortified, terrified, I wanted to hide away from the world I didn’t want anyone to see me disfigured. But in the weeks since then I’ve gone through some ego dissolution, some release of my vanity, some letting go of giving a fuxk. When it first happened I didn’t want anyone to see me, I would avoid the public as much as I could and cover my face with a mask when I couldn’t avoid it. But I’ve had time to process now and realizing that I’m 47, it’s all downhill from here as far as my face is concerned. Whether it’s the paralysis of Bell’s palsy or just the natural changes of aging that I’m going to go through in the coming years, I’m never going to look the way I did before. My face is going to age and wrinkle and sag, I’m going to go through other health things as I age that will change my body. And I’ve realized now that there is a important difference between beauty and being attractive. All that focus on being outwardly attractive, physically attractive when trying to find a mate, that’s not beauty. That’s just external masks and decorating, that’s window dressing and landscaping to make yourself look more appealing from the outside.

The beauty is on the inside truly. And it can’t be disfigured by age, wrinkles or time. It isn’t changed by illness, paralysis or disability.

The most beautiful women I know are silver-haired goddesses, and they have wrinkles around their shining eyes and their bright smiles. Crones lead the way for us women as we let go of the external pressures to be “attractive” and we embrace the beauty we’ve always been. No matter what is happening with our faces.