The Ever Elusive “There”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get there,” they said.
I’ve been trying to “get there” all my life
But only now at the half way point
Do I find myself asking, “what there?”
What “there” is there?
and why have I spent my whole life
trying to get to it?
Trying to get from childhood to teenager
From teenager to adulthood
Trying to get from abusive home
To foster home, to better foster home
To my own home, someday, some dream
Trying to get from highschool to marriage
From marriage to motherhood
From motherhood to college
From college to career woman
Trying to get from poverty and hunger
To stability and enough, just enough
The ever elusive “there” of enough
Trying to get from awkward isolated scared little girl, to strong confident powerful woman
Trying to get from alone and lonely
To alone and content, or at least okay with it
What “there” is there?
Every goal and milestone, every achievement attained, the “there” I’m trying to get to
Still wavers on the horizon, like heat waves
Over the desert imitating an oasis
Where at last my thirst can be quenched
Enticing me to keep trying
To “get there”, but it’s just a mirage
From wishful teen with tears in her eyes
Looking up at the moon and praying to Diana
To find her people, her place in this world
To priestess of many Gods, completely in love with a community of people she adores
Still feeling like an awkward teenager
Alone in every crowd, trying to earn her place with acts of service so she can belong
What is this “there” I’m trying to get to?
I ask my heart, “where are we trying to go, what are we still trying to find?”
“Home,” she says. “We’ve never been Home.”
I’ve lived in many houses,
slept under many roofs,
surrounded by many walls, and many people
but I’ve never been Home yet
And there’s a small flickering flame of hope
Still inside me, that is trying to “get there”
Whereever that “there” may be.

aurora winddancer
10/10/2023